<html>

<head>
<meta http-equiv="Content-Language" content="en-us">
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 4.0">
<meta name="ProgId" content="FrontPage.Editor.Document">
<title>Rising Costs of Hell Threaten Crisis</title>
</head>

<body>

 <!-- Following center tag OK! --> <center>

<table width="75%" border="1" cellspacing="1">
  <tr>
    <td width="725" valign="top">
      <table border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" width="100%" bgcolor="#FFFF99">
        <tr>
          <td width="157" bgcolor="#FFFFFF"><font face="ariel" size="4"><img border="0" SRC="../enn_logo.gif" width="150" height="58"></font></td>

          <td valign="bottom" width="545" bgcolor="#FFFF99">
            <p align="left"><font size="4"><b>Rising costs of Hell could force
            inmates out on the streets</b></font></p>
            <p align="left"><font size="3">
Thursday, February 21, 2004<br>
Posted: 1:25 PM EST</font></p>
          </td>
        </tr>
      </table>
    <table border="1" cellpadding="15" cellspacing="0" width="100%" bordercolor="#FFFF00">
      <tr>
        <td valign="top" align="left" width="100%">
          <p align="left"><b>Hades, The Underworld</b> - Faced with budget cuts
          and an unexpected rise in oil prices, the fires of Hell may soon be
          extinguished, a leaked Department of Justice report confirms.</p>
          <table width="138" border="0" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="2" align="left">
            <tr>
              <td width="138"><font face="ariel" size="4"><img border="0" SRC="larry_ellison_satan.jpg" width="138" height="132"></font></td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
              <td width="138">
                <p align="left"><font size="1"><i>Satan gleefully explains the budget
                conundrum</i>.</font>
              </td>
            </tr>
          </table>
          <p align="left">The secret memo, which outlines chronic funding gaps
          and recent increases in operating costs, implies the problem of
          bankruptcy is far closer than previously supposed. It concludes with a
          statement that &quot;... at current operating costs, only a few millennia
          remain until Hell becomes prohibitively expensive.&quot;&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">Political reactions to the leak have so far been
          mixed. On Capitol Hill, several Democratic lawmakers, speaking on
          condition of anonymity, explained they suspected this would happen for
          eons. &quot;I was <i>personally</i> reproached and accused of being
          unpatriotic for voicing doubts about the effectiveness and cost of
          God's correctional facilities,&quot; one member of the minority party
          reported.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">Questioned on the mysterious petroleum shortage, several OPEC countries' representatives stated no plans to increase
          output were currently being discussed. Lingering but unproven
          suspicion remains that Satan colluded with several Arab states to
          bring about this crisis.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
                   <p align="left">Congress has called an emergency session to deal with
          the situation. Proposed bill <i>H.R. 4311</i>, &quot;The Eternal
          Justice Budget Crisis Resolution Act,&quot; aims to solve the problem
                   through a variety of means. Among its provisions are marginal increases
          in funding, increased spending accountability, and cost reductions by
          substituting the traditional sulphur, brimstone and fire of Hell with
          some of the following:</p>
 <ul>
     <li>Water torture. The most cost-effective of the
              proposed solutions, this low-tech Oriental solution would need
              almost no startup costs at all.&nbsp;</li>
     <li>The medieval rack. Disadvantages include the cost
              and difficulty of finding and training enough people to correctly
              use this instrument on their (former) friends. 52% of medieval
              fundamentalists have already volunteered, but the sharp rise in
              populations would require many more.&nbsp;</li>
     <li><a HREF="../../../../../www.benecke.com/impale.html">Impaling</a>.
              Proponents of this choice argue &quot;... if it was good enough for
              Vlad Dracula, it's good enough for God.&quot; Advantages include
              the low cost and common availability of large stakes.&nbsp;</li>
     <li>Crucifixion. &quot;The irony of applying a
              punishment such as this to the anti-Christian faggots should be
              deliciously obvious,&quot; commented a foaming-at-the mouth Fred
              Phelps.&nbsp;</li>
     <li><i>&quot;The Prometheus Treatment.&quot;</i> Side
              benefits of this proposal, first used by Zeus in days long past,
              include simultaneously providing a protected area of land and
              never-ending food supply for the endangered Bald Eagle.&nbsp;</li>
              
 
        <table width="112" border="0" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="2" align="right">
         <tr> <td width="112"><font face="ariel" size="4"><img border="0" SRC="calculating_costs.jpg" width="112" height="151"></font></td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
              <td width="112">

                  <p align="left"><font size="1"><i>Proposed financial solutions
                  being read in Congress.</i></font>

              </td>
            </tr>
        </table>
          
    <li>Extended total sensory deprivation, a form of torture used
              with great effect by Soviet intelligence agencies.&nbsp;In some
              branches of Christianity, described with the euphemism
              &quot;separation from God.&quot;</li>
    <li>Chairs, shackles and endless reruns of <i>The 700
              Club</i>. Disadvantages include high pricing of big-screen
              television sets and loudspeakers (preferable for maximum effect). Moreover, even
              God, normally the most vehement proponent of tough-on-sin
              policies, expressed reservations about torturing people <i>that</i>
              much.</li>
 </ul>
          <p align="left">Civil libertarians have condemned the act as providing
          for some of the most gruesome punishments on innocent people ever
          devised. Evangelical leaders counter with &quot;What, you want to give
          them a second chance at redemption or something?.. Jesus never said
          anything about that.&quot;&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">Analysts expect the hodgepodge of a bill to be easily defeated on the House
          floor. Barring another solution, Hell will likely go bankrupt and
          close its doors in only 13,666 years.&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">The geological effects of Hell freezing over
          &quot;could be disastrous,&quot; according to environmental groups.
          The Union of
          Concerned Scientists issued a press&nbsp;release stating that
          &quot;Preventing Hell's collapse is of utmost importance for ensuring
          the continued survival of humanity.&quot; <a HREF="../../../../../www.es.ucsc.edu/~glatz/geodynamo.html">Current
          geologic theory</a> holds that the earth's magnetic field, considered
          vital for shielding the planet from harmful cosmic radiation, occurs as
          a result of the earth's spinning molten core.</p>
          <p align="left">Pat Robertson, head of the Christian Broadcasting
          Network, went on record stating that &quot;This is just incredible...
          to think, that convicted sinners could be released from the eternal
          suffering they so deserve just because of a budget crisis.&quot; He
          also pledged to use &quot;every means at [his] disposal&quot; to
          ensure Hell continued operating, ranging from asking viewers of his
          networks for additional donations to &quot;cutting down wood for the
          flames myself if I have to.&quot;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">Neighboring regions of the underworld are concerned
          with the social effects of a mass exodus from Hell. As Rye Bloodhelm of Valhalla
          stated, &quot;Even though I sympathize with these innocent victims of
          the dysfunctional judicial system, we simply don't have enough mead
          and horsemeat for them.&quot;&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">The United Nations has weighed in, stating that
          incompetent handling of the crisis could cause a profound humanitarian
          disaster reminiscent of the ugliest days of the Titan/Olympian war;
          their unanimously-approved resolution also called on God to &quot;Fix
          the problem You created.&quot;</p>

  
          <hr><!--webbot bot="HTMLMarkup" startspan alt="Site Meter" -->
<script type="text/javascript" language="JavaScript">var site="s12winace"</script>
<script type="text/javascript" language="JavaScript1.2" SRC="../../../../../s12.sitemeter.com/js/counter.js@site=s12winace">
</script>
<noscript>
<a HREF="../../../../../s12.sitemeter.com/stats.asp@site=s12winace" target="_top">
</a>
</noscript>
<!-- Copyright (c)2002 Site Meter -->
<!--webbot bot="HTMLMarkup" endspan --><hr>
<ul>
  <li>Back to the homepage of <a HREF="../../index.htm"><b>The Wonderful World of WinAce</b></a></li>
  <li>Offer comments <a href="mailto:allan_glenn@hotmail.com?subject=Wonderful World of WinAce"><b>via email</b></a></li>
  <li>Comment and read already posted feedback at the <a HREF="../../../../../winace.hyperboards.com/index.htm"><b>Divine Comedy</b></a> forum</li>
</ul>
          </td>
        </tr>
      </table>
  </td>
  </tr>
</table>

</body>

</html>
